When Narcissistic Parents Get Older : How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Like a Bad Daughter
Do you feel guilty setting boundaries with your aging or ill narcissistic parent? In this empowering episode, Christy Jade helps you break free from guilt and obligation so you can protect your peace without feeling like the “bad daughter.” Learn what’s truly loving (and what’s just self-sacrifice in disguise), how to balance compassion with self-respect, and why your worth isn’t measured by how much pain you tolerate.
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💬 Episode Highlights
Why guilt spikes when a toxic parent gets older or sick
The truth about “honoring your parents” — and what that really looks like in abuse recovery
How to stop confusing compassion with obligation
Nervous system tools to stay grounded when guilt-tripping starts
Christy’s personal reflection on balancing empathy with self-care
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TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ever feel like you owe your narcissistic parent kindness or access? Just because they're getting older, somehow their age cancels out all the damage they've done or are continuing to do. Today, we're going to break that guilt spell because your peace doesn't have an expiration date. Okay, queen, stay close. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun.
(01:04)
So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up. Hello, beautiful souls. It's Christy Jade. Today's topic is one I hear over and over again. My mom or dad is older. Now, maybe I should just tolerate it, but here's the truth. Time does not erase toxicity. Getting older doesn't mean they've earned access to your peace. Taking your peace and loving someone from a safe distance is still love. So if you're feeling torn between compassion and that self-preservation, grab your tea. Get your journal because by the end of this episode, you're going to know how to set some boundaries without feeling like the bad daughter. So first of all, society romanticizes, forgive and forget, especially with aging parents.
(02:17)
And look, I'm all about respecting your parents, right? Honoring your mother and father. You can still do this while having boundaries, but the guilt is often the weapon narcissistic parents use to keep control, right? They know they can dangle this. I'm your parent, I'm getting older. The guilt trip of, oh, we only have this much time. And there's truth to that. And if they can treat you well, they can have more access to you. Phrases like You'll miss me when I'm gone, or after all I've done for you. Are emotional manipulation wrapped in sentimentality, right? So remember this. Look, no one's perfect, right? If you just have a parent that they're aging and maybe they're a little crankier as they get older, that's one thing. But I'm sure you're here because you have tolerated abuse, narcissistic abuse, toxicity, something that's really not healthy for you, and you are not responsible for someone else's peace at the expense of your own, no matter who that person is.
(03:31)
And there's a difference between taking care of your parents or treating your parents well as they age. There's a difference between that and letting your aging parents who are toxic treat you like, is that a thing? I'm going to start saying that treating you boogas just because they're entitled to, right? So their age doesn't rewrite your story. It makes your boundaries more sacred. Though also, if you don't set these boundaries and you let them treat you bad, be toxic to you, whatever it is, you're also setting up their end of life to be worse for you and you have more resentment. Whereas if you can take this advice and can find a way to set boundaries and maybe put a little distance in there without guilt, you could actually save your relationship in a way. I know with true narcissists, it can be very hard, and maybe you do want to totally cut them off if there's no way to do kind of gray rock method or have strong boundaries.
(04:52)
But let's dive into just what we can do here for the people that are looking to have somewhat of a relationship without damaging your own peace. So I'm a God person, so I also want to put a little faith in this. If you're not, you can ignore this little part, but I like to bring it back to faith. God did not design you to be drained and treated with toxicity. That's just not a thing that's in the Bible. When you feel that tug of guilt, pause and ask God, am I acting from love or fear? Fear says, if I say no, I'm a bad daughter. Love says I can honor them by not dishonoring myself, right? Love says I can do what I need to do and the way I can do it, if it's a way I can do it without it being a detriment to my peace, my safety, my mental health. So God's version of honoring your parents includes honoring the daughter he created because Sky Daddy, that's what I call him. Do you know that everyone should call him Sky Daddy? It's the best. He's our daddy, right? He created us. He's the granddaddy. And think about how he would treat you. He would not treat you with toxicity. He created you and he wants you to honor yourself and honor others. But he also never said, let's deal with a bunch of abuse. That's not what he has said. Okay?
(06:37)
So practical boundaries that can stick with parents that are toxic and narcissistic, whatever. So first of all, you can keep your visits short or even virtual. You could try in-person visits, doing it shorter and seeing how that works out. And if it doesn't, virtual is another way to do it. It might sound like, oh, that's kind of crazy, but no one else is crazy. Tolerating abuse in person, driving an hour to get shit on by somebody that's supposed to love you and uplift you. Okay? So we're dealing with a crazy situation as it is. So we do what we got to do. Another thing, do not explain every boundary. Okay? Clarity is kinder than overexplaining for all parties. Really, it helps you and it helps them. And we know narcissists. Sometimes they want you to get in the cage with them, and that's when you can exit.
(07:45)
You can say, I need to go if it gets to that point. But you can try setting a boundary using neutral language that doesn't work for me. Instead of defending, they want you to defend in a way they want to get into your head. Don't give them emotion or extra information that's going to give them what they want, where they can get more of control and know what makes you tick and feed on that. You're giving them very simple wording like, that doesn't work for me. And then you can have an emotional exit plan, like thinking of a calming song in your head, or a grounding breath after each reaction or interaction, sorry, not reaction, but there could be a reaction there too. So boundaries, don't think of them as punishment with your parents. They're your protection. You're not trying to control them, you're trying to protect yourself.
(08:48)
So what else? Releasing the bad daughter story. Okay, this comes up a lot with a lot of my clients who have parents that are toxic. They have been, and maybe you have been emotionally conditioned, right? Trained to believe that peace equals selfishness. Can I say that again? Yes, I will. You were trained to believe that peace equals selfishness, but the healed version of you, or maybe you're healing deep down, maybe even on it's bubbling to the surface that peace equals presence, right? If you're at peace, you can be present and be joyful in that peace. You can't show up as the light you are and you strive to be if you're constantly being dimmed by this guilt. So yes, you can set the boundaries, but if you're carrying along the guilt with you while you're setting them, it's like you have this sack of bricks on your back as you're doing it, you're setting these boundaries, but you feel heavy.
(10:10)
So you also have to do the work. And this is the work I do with my clients. This is the somatic healing stuff we do, the mindset work, all that good stuff. You want to really transform. Let's go one-on-one coaching. It's always mentioned in my show notes, the ways to work with me, okay? But because setting boundaries is great. It's awesome. Okay? It's helpful. It's part of the plan, part of the healing. But a lot of the healing is that inner voice that you have saying you're a bad daughter. That's been conditioned to think that probably no matter what you do. So you might as well if you're going to be a bad daughter, might as well do it with some boundaries. Alright? So this is just kind of the tip of the iceberg here. But this is what I can do in a short podcast episode.
(11:02)
Like I said, if you want to go deeper one-on-one, really transform that information there. Also, I have a Boundaries course. I also have a Free Boundaries pocket guide. If you have not grabbed that, grab that. But there's also a course I'm going to list in my show notes. This is for you if you are here on this podcast episode. This course is life changing for Setting Boundaries. There's so much. So click the link. You can read more about all the details. I don't have time to go into the depth of it, so make sure to definitely click there and read to see all that it has. It is chock full of awesome information. Everything from a little mindset work to the boundary setting to conversations, the actual conversations for setting boundaries to what if they come back and don't, I can't word today, word my words, help.
(12:05)
They don't respect your boundaries or they want to come back and with their ideas of what should be happening, all of that. So it is an amazing, amazing course. It is my baby. So definitely take a look at that. But if you want a true transformation that, I mean three months with me, one-on-one, somatic healing mindset work, your life will change. That's just what's going to happen. So anyway, go take a look at all that and don't forget to protect your sparkle, okay? You're a sparkly queen, okay? We do not want you to be dimmed by people who were supposed to take care of you. And if they haven't done a great job of that thus far, they may not, right? Especially if they're older, they're more set in their ways, they're not going out getting therapy, whatever. It's up to you. Yes, you can do no contact, but the people who are here, I think on this episode, are probably looking for a way to either distance a little or be able to have contact, but set boundaries.
(13:10)
So hopefully this podcast was helpful. I know it's just a little, like I said, tip of the iceberg. So if you want more, that course is amazing. And one-on-one work is mind blowing. So toot toot, I'm tooting my own horn on my shit. Alright, I love you guys. And don't forget, Thursdays are Thrive in Five, and they always relate to the Tuesday before. So we will have a Thrive in five specifically for those of you who are dealing with this situation, okay? And you're not a bad daughter for choosing peace. You are a healed one. Yes, breaking that cycle. I love it. All right, love you. Seeing the next step.
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