Healing Conversations for Men Who Have Sex with Men

Dr. Wesley Detwiler is a licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in California and he works closely with the LGBTQ+ community and those suffering from addiction and complex trauma. In this episode, Dr. Wesley talks about what sex positive really means when you are in sobriety. He also talks about how the community itself can ostracize men who are seeking recovery, and he also discusses how many men are unaware of the risks of sex and porn addiction when trying to get sober from drugs.  
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:50] A little bit about Dr. Wesley. 
[3:20] Dr. Wesley personally struggled with a drug addiction and he knew he had to get sober in order for him to be a successful psychologist. 
[4:45] How does Dr. Wesley define sobriety? 
[9:25] Everyone has an underlying need for connection. 
[11:15] A lot of gay men feel like they're damaged goods. 
[12:15] How are we using sex to value or devalue ourselves?
[17:15] As a community, we can end up ostracizing the very people who need your help the most. 
[18:30] It's not a 'them' problem, this is a 'we' problem. 
[20:20] What does it really mean to be 'sex positive' in sobriety? 
[23:35] We need to dive deeper and really explore what intimacy and sex really means to the individual. 
 
RESOURCES: 
Detwilerpsychology.com
 
QUOTES: 
"I didn't have the tools to 'adult' properly. I didn't have the glue that would stick all those things together in a meaningful or positive way."

"For anyone struggling to get sober, do not give up. Sobriety is achievable. The only thing you can't do is give up."

"As a community, there's work we can do around having a more healthy concept of what healthy sex is."

Dr. David Fawcett, the author of Lust, Men, and Meth, has a conversation with the translator of the book, Karl-Anton Gerber, discussing how this project came about, his own story, and the chemsex scene in Germany.
German title: Lust, Rausch und Crystal Meth: Wege aus dem Chemsex-Konsum bei MSM
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:50] A little bit about Karl. 
[3:20] Karl shares his introduction to drugs and how it has affected his life.
[7:10] Karl is HIV+ and shares how he first found out the news.
[9:10] Dr. David understands where Karl is coming from. For many gay men, they feel like "damaged goods."
[9:40] What made Karl change his lifestyle and get clean? 
[12:45] Karl shares how this book, Lust, Men, and Meth, changed his life. 
[16:15] There are no reliable chemsex studies in Germany.
[20:00] Why did Karl decide to modify his foreword in the German version of his book? 
 
RESOURCES: 
Amazon link to German edition: https://tinyurl.com/bdhhj7n2
 
QUOTES: 
"I had to admit I had a problem. That was the starting point to getting out of addiction."

"My stable life and [the drugs] were separate, but when I was driving down the German highway, there was a little window between those two universes and I couldn't hide any longer."

"These new psychoactive substances are really scary. They're just chemicals someone put together somewhere and now are selling it on the dark web."

Carol Teitelbaum is a Marriage & Family Therapist and has been a licensed Therapist since 1985. Carol comes on the show to talk about abuse that has happened to our young boys and how this problem is still minimized in today's society. She shares some common myths people have about men and abuse and how there's a deep silence in the community for these men. She discusses the upcoming "It Happens to Boys" conference. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:30] A little bit about Carol. 
[2:40] Let's talk about our boys. What happens to boys?
[3:20] Men do not get over sexual abuse. Men do not just 'get over it'. 
[6:30] Men have been told since they were little that they don't have feelings.
[8:00] What myths are out there about boys and sexual abuse?
[9:10] Abuse is not about sex. It's about power.
[11:00] Women abuse boys! Boys get very little empathy when they've been abused by a woman.
[15:40] Sexual intimacy goes way beyond just 'putting it in'. 
[21:00] How does Carol help someone who has been abused open up?
[25:50] What does the healing journey look like for men? 
[29:50] What's the difference between anger and rage?
[30:35] Let's talk about the Creative Change Conference.
 
RESOURCES: 
Creativechangeconferences.com
Menhealing.org
 
QUOTES: 
"People still think boys can't be abused."

"Men who do not just get over it. Men who don't get help or start their healing process, they rage because of all the emotions that they tucked away."

"I've heard men say, "If you really knew who I was, you'd think I'm disgusting." It's because they've been abused."

Ignacio Labayen De Inza is the CEO of Controlling Chemsex, an organization that provides chemsex support to people living in the UK. Ignacio has personally struggled with chemsex himself and understands how lonely and isolating the journey to recovery can be. This is why he's been working in this field since 2008 to help those struggling with addiction and their relationship to sex. In this episode, Ignacio explains how severe the chemsex problem is in the UK from someone who is on the ground. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:30] A little bit about Ignacio and his life story. 
[5:15] Ignacio struggled with his relationship with drugs and all he wanted to do was get himself back on track and onto a healthier path. 
[10:50] Covid made it difficult for Ignacio to continue his work with Grindr.
[12:30] Why do people use drugs to help with their sex life? 
[19:00] Sex addiction is just a syndrome to a bigger problem. 
[21:50] Ignacio has applied for funding to further help the community.
[23:30] What kind of trends has Ignacio been seeing happening in the UK? 
[26:20] There's misinformation everywhere and as the problem gets worse, the stigma continues further. 
[30:00] Chemsex is a problem everywhere, not just in the UK. 
 
RESOURCES: 
Controllingchemsex.com
Ignacio on LinkedIn
 
QUOTES: 
"Lots of people can not pay for private therapy. We are aware of that. All the services that we are providing are free of charge."
"We are applying for money. Times are not easy, we have a recession, but we have to fight."
"What we're seeing, the chemsex reality is much worse. The problem gets worse but the stigma remains."

Kenya Hutton has dedicated close to 20 years to working in social justice, equity, HIV prevention, and the facilitation of behavioral interventions among communities heavily impacted by HIV in NYC and Washington, DC. In this episode, Kenya talks about the Ballroom community and how it has been a stable for many LGBTQ+ members for decades now. He explains a little bit of the history and what he's doing to persevere the history that Ballroom has been to many people who have been shunned by their own families based on who they are.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:00] A little about Kenya and his advocacy work. 
[4:25] Why is Kenya so passionate about HIV prevention work? 
[6:35] What is the Ballroom Community about? 
[11:50] Ballroom has taught Kenya how to advocate for himself. Ballroom was a big force of strength for him and for many LGBTQ+ members. 
[18:10] What is the age limit for Ballroom? 
[22:15] Ballroom is a place for many children who have been kicked out of their homes for being who they are. 
[24:30] There are Ballroom chapters all over the world! 
[25:00] With Ballroom growing so rapidly, what are some of Kenya's fears? 
 
RESOURCES: 
Capitalpride.org/team_members/kenya-hutton
Kenya on LinkedIn
Centerforblackequity.org
BallroomCouncil on Facebook




QUOTES: 
"I remember myself being a young queer person feeling like I was the only one. Ballroom is what showed me that there was a whole world out there."
"I'm happy that it's expanding, but I am hoping we can continue that the core tenants of Ballroom is still upheld as a community."
"People think we've gone so far and that we don't need this stuff anymore, but the moment we get rid of it, you'll realize how much you really needed it."